Polish Friends

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Don't even know what to say here :(

Hey everyone, I know it's been a while, and a lot longer than I even expected. I'm going to try and keep this short for you guys. Basically I hit an all time low in my life. I was diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety years ago. After trying a few different anti-depressant medications, I gave up. I also have pseudocholinestrerase deficiency, which is just a fancy word for the fact that my body is missing an enzyme that everyone else has, so my body doesn't break certain things down properly. So after trying a few different Rx's, and having them ALL make me so sick. I just stopped looking.

Well, I thought for years I had it under control, or maybe just dealing with it better. I'm not even sure what sparked it, but the depression hit me full force a few months ago. I just shut down from everyone. I'm sure it had something to do with just the fact that I had quit a few small and big issues come at me all at once. Now friends around me, didn't see anything, because I can hide it fairly well, especially with a drink, but not around my little girl, don't worry. Jack, was really the only one who knew. He tried so hard for me to get back to happy times, even trying to get me back on here for you guys, because he knew I loved it.

Well as much as I wanted to come back, since I was away for a while, my anxiety about this blog kicked in, SUPER bad. It may sound weird to you, but I actually felt as though I was no longer allowed to post, or even visit my own blog. Then since the anxiety was so bad and made me feel guilty, the depression got worse, and it became a big messy circle, that I couldn't get out of. I even stopped checking my email. That too, caused the circle to continue. 

I understand some of you may be mad, or even have unfollowed, or said some rather unpleasant things about me, and my disappearance. That is completely fine, and I don't judge at all. Everyone has the right to think what they want. I do apologize, and just hope you guys can understand even a little.

Now, am I back to normal, no, not at all, but I'm trying. Jack wants me to go see a different doctor, and start trying again, buuuuut my anxiety is so bad that I am even having a hard time just making the initial call. It's so frustrating :(

All I ask, is that you guys don't hate me, at least not forever. It is hard to understand and even explain. When I type this out, it sounds crazy, but it's exactly what I'm going through. If you guys could feel my heart right now, even as I type this out, and think about hitting send, you would think I had about 10 energy drinks 0_o

Not so short huh...... anyways, I will be back, but it might not be for another 2 weeks. Again, I am very sorry if I angered any of you, or let you guys down, I really didn't mean too, but can understand how some may think that.

Hope you guys are having a great day.